Declutter With Your Parents Now – Without The Stress

Here in midlife the elephant in the room is our aging parents and all of their stuff. We all know at least one, but probably many, friends who have had to go through the contents of their parents’ home after one or both of them have passed away. It’s overwhelming. It’s emotionally taxing. And it’s a huge job that no one looks forward to. But it doesn’t have to be.

I’m going to venture the potentially unpopular suggestion that you declutter with your parents now, vs. after they are gone. I realize this doesn’t necessarily sound like a fun project, for them or for you, but stay with me. With a few shifts of perspective and the right approach, decluttering with your parents can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of midlife!Below are the reasons I think decluttering with your parents now is a great idea. I’m also offering some mindset shifts to get you in the right space mentally to take this on. Finally, I have some tips and hacks to make the experience pleasant. Please enjoy!

Why Now?

The main reason to declutter with your parents now vs. when you have to is simple. If you wait for a crisis like a medical diagnosis or death the job is twice as hard. Because you are dealing with some combination of stress, fear and grief. Those feelings don’t exactly make a good platform for decluttering, which can be challenging anyway. Everything is easier to deal with when the waters are calm. Feelings aren’t as big or scary. Conversation rambles along. Even if your relationship with your parent(s) is fraught, you can more successfully navigate when things are fairly status quo.

That’s why it’s better to start decluttering now, before there is an urgent need. You can use the act of decluttering your parents’ home as a backdrop to suss out their feelings and opinions on aging, what they’d like their golden years to look like, how they want things handled in case of a bad diagnosis or what is important to them when they die. These are not fun topics to discuss at dinner or on vacation, but when you are doing the work of decluttering they become less intimidating somehow. Decluttering can set the table for an organized end stage instead of an emotion-inflamed scramble with all parties stretched to their mental limits.

Shift Your Perspective

Yes, yes, I know – you think of decluttering as a chore! But with a little shift of perspective, decluttering with your parents can be a pleasure. Something to look forward to! Here’s how to flip the script. Instead of thinking “I have to declutter with my parents’, try ‘I get to declutter with my parents.’. Think of it as a privilege, a gift of time with your parents that you will be happy you took advantage of. When you are decluttering, memories and stories pop up all the time. Your parents are full of stories and what fun to hear them while you work. If your relationship isn’t great, you may gain some insight that helps to mend a rift.

Another good shift that can make the work enjoyable is to consciously leave your judgement at the door and come in to your parents’ home with curiosity instead. The things that you think are important to them may not be the same things they treasure.  That’s okay! They may not want to part with things you think they should part with. It’s not about you! If you approach this project as a way to get to know your parents better as whole humans (vs. the parents that raised you) the outcomes can be transformative.

These mindshifts are also helpful when your parents are reluctant to declutter themselves. When you pitch the idea, frame it as a way to spend some time together. You are there to make them get rid of everything. You are offering to help them shed their deadwood and make space for the things that matter to them in their life today. How you approach it matters, to you and to them.

Set Up For Success

The best piece of advice I can give you before you declutter with your parents is to break it down. Truthfully, this is good advice for anyone who is decluttering but it’s especially true when you’re dealing with older folks. They get worn out quickly. It’s likely that 2 hours is their max, and that might even be too long. This means that smaller, shorter efforts will set you up for a pleasant session. Start with non-emotional areas like the kitchen and work your way to the memorabilia later. If either/any of you start to get tired or grumpy, stop for the day.

I also recommend adding some ritual to these sessions. Bring coffee or lunch from their favorite place. Have music you both love playing in the background. Maybe a short walk outside is how you end each session. Adding pleasurable elements to the work makes it feel more like just hanging out together instead of a chore. A ritual for just you would be to take any donations with you when you leave. Taking this one thing off of your parent’s plate is an act of service they will really appreciate.

When you take things slow and steady the timeline is long, but you are less likely to burn out. You are forging new bonds with your parents, and taking mental notes about the stuff they are keeping. It’s a huge benefit to already know the lay of the land when they eventually pass and you need to clear out their space.

If you live far away from your parent(s) this approach requires a longer timeline and planning ahead. If you are helping one parent after their spouse has died, make sure you are giving them extra space for their grief. No scenario is ideal, but if you prepare the environment appropriately and lead with compassion, you will set yourself and your parent up for success.

A Final Note

People love to talk about themselves and for some reason decluttering really sets the table for good stories. I learned so much about my own parents (who I thought I knew everything about!) while decluttering with them. I was so inspired by what I learned that I started showing up to sessions (and the post-session walks with my dad) with more questions. Here are just a few of them:

What have been the best and worst parts of getting older? 

What’s your happiest memory of us? 

What was the first year of motherhood/fatherhood like for you? 

What’s one of the nicest things I’ve ever done for you? 

What’s one thing you always want me to remember after you’re gone? 

Is there anything about our family’s history you’ve kept a secret?

What is a happy memory you have of growing up? 

I did my questions freeform but there are some guided journals out there where you can record the answers to have for later and to share with your own family. And if you’d like to bring some structure and support (and a Neutral-3rd-Party vibe) to this effort, check out my Beginner’s Decluttering Blueprint. And as always, Happy Decluttering!