Grief Decluttering: Why You Don’t Need to Keep Everything

I call May the Month of Maureen. My mom’s name was Maureen. Her birthday is May 3. Mother’s Day is a week later. And she died 8 years ago on May 20th. So May is an emotionally loaded month for me, and always gets me thinking about grief decluttering.

In my organizing practice I often see people struggle to let go of things that belonged to a person they lost. When we lose someone we love, the things they owned suddenly take on a new significance. It feels wrong somehow to get rid of them, like a small act of betrayal. But I invite you to consider how you felt about these things when your loved one was alive. Were they important to you? Did they make you smile? Did you even know they existed?

When you lose someone there are a hundred ways to honor them without keeping everything they owned. In fact, keeping all of their stuff isn’t really honoring them at all. Putting intention behind the act of keeping something special to you shows love and honor. Saving everything that was theirs just because they owned it doesn’t. Plus, keeping all that stuff is making it hard to see and appreciate the things that do matter.

In honor of the Month of Maureen, I’m sharing the ways I’ve found to remember and cherish my mom through grief decluttering that don’t involve keeping a bunch of clutter in my house. Maybe you’ll find an idea or two you can use yourself!

A Few Cherished Items

Just to be clear, I have kept some of my mom’s things for myself. Grief decluttering doesn’t mean getting rid of everything. I kept things that simultaneously remind me of her and serve some purpose in my life. It’s a pretty random assortment. I have a bunch of her Marimekko oilcloth tablecloths – I use them every summer when I entertain. I kept a purple glass measuring cup she had that was passed down from her mother. And I wear her favorite philodendron leaf necklace that was a gift from my dad.

And, there is a lot of stuff of hers that I didn’t keep. Her baby book, the plaques and awards she won over the course of her career in education. The memorabilia from her childhood. Her clothes. These are things I don’t have a personal connection to. I won’t use them or display them, so what is the point in keeping them?

I’m not saying that you should get rid of your mom’s baby book. If that item has special meaning for you, then keep it. What I am saying is to approach your loved one’s things with an intent to curate a small collection of items that are meaningful to you and remind you of the person you loved at the same time.Putting intention behind the act of keeping something special to you shows love and honor. Saving everything that was theirs just because they owned it doesn’t. Plus, keeping all that stuff is making it hard to see and appreciate the things that do matter.

I feel pride when I pull out those tablecloths. I smile as I pour out of the vintage measuring cup. And every day I finger the necklace at my throat and think of my mom. Aside from these things (and a few others), I choose to honor my mom’s memory in other ways.

Photo Memories

Y’all pictures are so much better than things for remembering! And they don’t take up nearly as much room (none at all if you digitize your prints!) So when you’re grief decluttering, focus in on the photos. Whenever I’m missing my mom (this whole month, for instance!) I pull out some pictures to bring her back to me.

Pictures are shareable. (Text one to your siblings – ‘remember the time…?’) They help imprint our memories. They capture moments we may have otherwise forgotten. If you are lucky enough to have photos of the person you lost, you can honor them by organizing those photos and making them accessible. Gen X, Boomers and even Millennials have photos – both digital and prints – scattered everywhere from boxes to albums to computers, phones and cloud services. Bringing them all together and organizing them means you can actually enjoy them.

Imagine bringing together all of your loved ones’ belongings so you can sit and stare at them. Not nearly as fun, right? (Maybe try this if the contents of your parents’ house are currently in residence in your garage – let me know how it goes!)Forget the stuff and focus on the person. It’s so much healthier and worthy of respect. But what’s another way to honor your person that doesn’t involve any physical objects at all?

Remembering Rituals

Every year on my mom’s birthday I make the Hipy Papy Bthuthduth Thuthda Bthuthdy cake from the Winnie the Pooh cookbook I got when I was eight. I made it for her birthday many times as a kid, and picked the habit back up when my parents moved up to Seattle after they retired. It is a lovely and delicious way to remember something we shared together, and takes up no room at all in my house!

Here’s another thing I like to do: blast Broadway musicals while I’m cooking. (I can’t do this one all the time because our house has an open floor plan and my husband objects but every once-in-a-while…) This was my mom’s practice and it was fun to join her in the kitchen and sing along. Due to open floor plans and husband’s aversion to loud music I did not keep the tradition going with my own kids, but when I’m missing her I’ll dial up Guys and Dolls on Spotify!

Rituals don’t have to be a big thing, they can be small and subtle like taking a walk in nature, keeping a team loyalty alive (got my lifetime devotion to the SF Giants from my mom!) or connecting with someone else who also loved your person and sharing stories.

The point is, none of these things involve keeping a bunch of belongings – and in my opinion are way more meaningful.

Okay to Let Go

Losing someone close to you like a parent is brutal. So is the thought of grief decluttering. It is reflexive to want to cling to their things. Or feel paralyzed with guilt at the thought of getting rid of them. But there are many ways to show love and keep a memory alive. You don’t have to keep their clutter – it’s okay to let it go.